The Store


I’ve been trying to write this particular piece for awhile, as it’s been incubating among two friends and myself for years.  The original concept was a convenience store strictly for moms, but really, I now think, it should be for all women.  I’ve always thought of myself as a non-discriminating sort, except when it comes to folks with no sense of humor.  You people need to live in your own separate country.

Here is our inventory so far:

Tampon earrings, strategically designed (remember, it is a convenience store).

Inflatable room, for when you really, really want to disappear, or for when you are about to explode at your teen.

Solid alcohol ring – think Ring Pop but made from a margarita!

Candy necklace that has an antibiotic, Vitamin C, and ibuprofen combo strung on it (especially helpful to send with your college-bound children).

Lifesize, cardboard cut-out of yourself (able to fold down to purse size), to avoid workplace birthday celebrations/PTA meetings/bad dates.

Homing devices shaped like Mike ‘n’ Ikes.  Please don’t tell us who you’re tracking.  Please.

Fake parking violations to be placed on the cars of those who: complain about their remodels, complain about vacations, do their children’s science fair exhibits.

Universal lid for coffee cups, pretend tea bag attached, so no one knows what you’re really drinking at the playground at 10:30am.

Spare black cape for emergency birthday party gifts (also sparkly shoes, size 2-ish, and plastic swords).

Pillow cases, because backpacks for students is just silly.  Maybe 1 child out of each 100 keeps their backpack organized.  The remainder cram whatever they have in there, hoping to cover the food brick lodged at the bottom since 2003.

Tape.  No honest explanation but for some reason I always need tape in the car.

Towels.  Always towels.

And, of course, coffee. Decent coffee, served quickly and without 400 foam questions, Italian words, or companion pastries, which for some reason, look really pretty but never taste good.  If you want fancy coffee, cool, I like it, too, but The Store is for the toe-tappers in line anyway (and those people who stare down the barista while he/she is filling 18 orders).  I would even place a nice trash can at the end of the drive-through coffee area where the women could fling their ceramic cups in cathartic gestures.  Maybe we could even give the pieces to a local crafter for mosaics!